The problem of desire is that I know it too well. Desire seems to always speak to me just right, just good enough to convince me -- to buy the clothes, to get the tattoo, to take the expensive trip, to kiss the frog. And being the naïve sucker I am, I give in. Don't we all?
Desire is unending. Satisfaction, a fickle lover most of us do not know well enough to wanna kiss. And so desire is able to convince us that we are never enough. To want, is to express a lack. And in a place where many of us are fortunate enough to have all we need, all there is left to do is want.
Because, as we have been convinced, greed is human nature. That which I do not currently have, I must one day obtain. As I accumulate, I see more empty space, and so I see the need to fill it. And so the cycle begins again.
We believe material items can fill the hollow voids inside us. So we are doomed to lives of nothing but consumption. Convenient, no?
We believe a change to our outer shells will grant us the change and spontaneity which we seek. We believe if we can change our appearances enough we can finally become the people we've imagined ourselves. But only honesty, self-reflection and very high emotional intelligence can make us the people of our dreams. And even then sometimes those don't work either.
We believe our surroundings -- not our lifestyles, nor our choices, nor our mental health, are the problem. So we buy a ticket, escape for 10 days then return to our everyday as sad as ever.
We truly believe our own love is not enough; that we are incomplete. We spend our lives in between cycles of partnership, pain, then potential loneliness. All in search of a one true love we were never guaranteed. We run ourselves empty and dry just trying to catch a little bit of someone's love, like we don't have our own.
The problem of desire is it has no expiration date. It requires our undying devotion to keep it afloat. We fuel desire, or maybe desire fuels us.
Either way, I've got a problem with desire and I think desire has a problem with me. Desire takes my joy away. It taps me on the shoulder day after day and tells me I do not have enough.
Desire is the opposite of gratitude. We can either give in and spend our whole lives wanting or we can resist it and grow to understand that the only thing we really want is inner peace and satisfaction.
Jam Bridgett (she/they) is a queer student, visual artist and writer of Afro-Jamaican descent in Toronto. They are interested in gender, sexuality, diaspora and human connection to the Earth. Their work can be found in Ascend Magazine, Tongue Tied Magazine and Rose Quartz Magazine. They can be found on Instagram & Twitter @yikesjamaica