I. The second I inhaled the cigarette, my mom pulled up in the car. I crushed the cigarette under my sneaker, said good-bye to my group therapy friends, and got in the car. “You know,” she said, as soon as the door shut, “you’re sixteen, make your own choices but your father smoked, and he would have died from cancer.” The words left unsaid hung in the air, thick like fog. Except he got hit by a car. I lied and said it was disgusting. I didn’t say it tasted minty, or reminded me of Dad. II. He held a lit cigarette in the same hand as a beer bottle. He popped the top open on the deck railing. His hand stretched toward me and I wasn’t sure if he was offering the drink, or the cigarette. I took the beer and drank half of it, quickly, drops spilling down my chin. He inhaled and held it for a few beats. “That was just a little fun thing, right? We don’t have to tell anyone.” The smoke filled the air from his nostrils, like a dragon. III. A year later, same deck; a cigarette but no beer this time. The tip of the lit cigarette framed his face like a flashlight, as if he were about to tell a ghost story. “Can I have a hug?” He asked, leaning down to the chair I was sitting in. “Can I have a cigarette?” He straightened, handed me a cigarette and the lighter. I smoked half, taking short drags, curling my legs under my body as tight as I could. I handed it back to him and went inside before he could say anything else. IV. “I only want to smoke when I’m drinking. Like now. I might ask you for one later.” I said to my friend, leaning against the tree, looking for shade. “Sure,” she said, taking a sip of her drink, “no problem.” Later, after a few more drinks, I bummed one. I inhaled, the minty taste of the cigarette mixing with the coconut rum I just had. I walked to the front porch, away from the noise of the cookout. I tried to remember the last time I smoked. It must have been high school. I took one more drag, put the cigarette out on my leg, and walked back to the party.
Anne Walters is a gay writer who lives in New Jersey. She has been published in The Avenue, Babe Press, Awkward Mermaid, and others. You can find her on Twitter at @_annemadz.