I’m still figuring out how to put this gently How to perfect my toss so you can catch it I’m looking for a way to say I love you But I know that’s not allowed So instead I will say I listen to your songs on repeat whenever I’ve been away from you for too long I have memorized the sound of your laugh. The moments you spent in my arms were the most comfortable I have ever felt in my body. I don’t want to go anywhere without you. You are the only one here who is just like me. Whenever our knees touch, I imagine us spending the rest of our lives side by side. I never want you to return to that little island The ocean is too big Too wide And I feel it between us even as we sit together. I’m looking for a way to say fall in love with me But that would twist your brow into a million knots So instead I will say: Thank you for showing me you. Thank you for letting me be in all the tornadoes and sandstorms that I am. I have said to you, words I haven’t had the strength to utter to my mother. Thank you for hearing me and working to hear me better People I have known for years would never clean their ears for me. Thank you for loving me enough to apologize. I’m looking for a way to say this all to you But I know that would ruin everything So instead I say: The weather is treacherous, I listened to that album a million times, Class is hard, You’re a good friend, Split this cookie with me, Get home safe. This is for all the words I never had the courage to say to your face. This is for the hundreds of times I stood at the ledge, looked down then stepped back, trembling. This is for the things I imagine you might feel when we touch too. This is for the life I dreamt for us. This is for the kisses I was this close to planting all over you. This is for the kind of love that has no choice but to transform. This is for the kind of love that does better than settle. The kind of love that becomes what we need of it. The kind of love that asks nothing of us except that we show up. This is for the kind of love I wasn’t looking for. This is for the kind of love you and I will never have with one another. This is for the kind of love that makes a home out of your every waking thought. This is for the kind of love that sits between whispers and giggles, never showing itself outright But slipping through our fingers and becoming something new at our feet.
Jam Bridgett (she/they) is a queer student, visual artist and writer of Afro-Jamaican descent in Toronto. They are interested in diaspora, gender, and human connection to the Earth. Their work can be found in Ascend Magazine, Tongue Tied Magazine and Rose Quartz Magazine. Find them on Instagram or Twitter @yikesjamaica