rose quartz magazine
Cervix
The first time I felt you I thought I was dying
Because I didn’t know what it would be like to be touched by myself
Only to have others prodding, scrabbling at you
I went to the doctors and they said you were lovely and healthy looking
Like I should be really proud of myself
But all I wanted to do was cry some more
How can you be proud of something you barely own
Knowing that I am not dying did not remove the fear
I thought that it would put me back in control but I have never been taught how to be my own body
Only to master or ignore
I still feel a bit terrified when I touch you
But maybe, at least, that terror is grown inside me rather than thrust upon me.
Elli Wilson
Elli is a researcher and writer living in Ireland interested in all things gender and sexuality related. She is a big believer in blurring boundaries between ‘art’ and ‘academia’ and always looks for creative ways to approach research. She prefers to write poetry and essays and is currently working on a project about the experience of pleasure post-trauma which you can see more of @projectpleasurable.